Unfortunately, one of them actually worked.
Sid sighed, and straightened his tie. Another day.
Around him stood a half dozen startled looking adults. One had a hefty tome open, and wore a look of surprised excitement. Summoner, check. Another held a knife, and a small ammount of blood dripped from a self-inflicted wound on her thumb.
Why the thumb? It's always the thumb, Sid thought. Ridiculous spot to cut, it's so full of nerves. And then every time you try to use your thumb it's going to split, so it'll take forever to heal. Just... just nick your forearm or something. Put a little cut in your shoulder.
Cultists are weird.
The rest of the people around him were armed with an array of things from crosses to actual weapons. One of them had some kind of shiny assault weapon. Okay then.
"So... what can I do for you fine people?" Sid asked. He pulled his too-long sleeves up. You'd think management would have given him a suit that actually fits. Put it on the list for quarterly review. File it away.
They shuffled in silence. Clearly they hadn't actually thought it would work.
"I believe one of you was interested in selling a soul?" Sid raised an eyebrow, looking from person to person.
The one with the cut thumb raised her hand.
"Okay, great. I'm glad to hear that. I'm here to facilitate your transaction. So what benefit package are you looking to get in exchange?" Sid pulled a file out from his inside jacket pocket, and started flipping through it.
"Uhh... I... Uhm, no..." She stammered, and then composed herself. "No we've summoned you to put an end to your wickedness, Devil!" Her face hardened, and the people around her snapped back to reality. Gun guy pointed his shiny weapon at Sid's face.
Unimpressed, Sid shrugged.
"I mean, I guess if it would make you feel better? But not much of a sale. I'm just looking out for you on this one."
"No, I mean, I'm not going to sell my soul to... unmake you. We're just going to do it. We have you trapped!" She indicated the symbols on the ground, before realizing she was still bleeding. She stuck her thumb in her mouth and scowled.
"Well, you see, according to the spell you used to summon me for the deal, any hostile action you take against me is considered a pre-emptive trade agreement. I know. Old testament stuff. Fine print. It sucks. Technically just for the threat I can bind your soul, but like I said I'm trying to work out the best deal for you here. So why don't we look at some options. How do you like power? Or are you more of a money gal?" Sid pulled a few pamphlets out and waved them in her direction, not leaving the circle.
"I'm not trusting you, you're the Devil!" She recoiled.
Sid cocked his head, and looked at a few of the summoners, a look of mild confusion on his face.
"Oh no no. Did you think...? Oh I'm so sorry, no. You guys are pretty together, but you just don't rate that high. I'm A devil. Not The Devil. I'm a lower case devil. Sorry." He shrugged, helplessly.
"But, the spell..."
"Like I said, fine print. Sorry. It's not your fault, not a lot of people's cuneiform is up to snuff these days." Sid waggled the pamphlets again. "But, you know, since I'm here..."
There was a stunned silence.
"Actually, now that I think about it I might be able to swing perfect comprehension of cunieform for a soul... never been done before but I mean the paperwork is all pretty standard so..."
Gun guy fired once, putting a hole clean through Sid's ill-fitting suitjacket, and subsequently his heart. He looked down at the hole, pulling his jacket forward. He turned his gaze to gun guy and sighed.
"Come on man, I still have two payments on this thing."
"... What?"
"The uniform isn't included. They ding you for everything. I mean... you're working for Hell. You can't expect them to be nice about it."
"You work for Hell?"
"Well yeah, but you know. Only part time." Sid shrugged.
There was stunned silence.
"So, about that soul..."
"Hit him again Greg." Thumb girl said around her bleeding thumb.
"Wait!" Sid shouted, but was drowned out by a barrage of gunfire.
On the trip back to the Eternal Pits, Sid played with the many new holes on his uniform angrily.
This was so not worth eleven dollars an hour.
No comments:
Post a Comment